I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
