Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
