He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
