im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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