so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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