She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
