textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
