You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
