Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
