No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
