Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Everyone says I win the strip club
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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