We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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