i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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