and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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