cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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