New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
