bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
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It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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