I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
