Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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