I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
