even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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