I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
