Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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