she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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