If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
