she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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