dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
