it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
