Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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