I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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