Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
