I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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