I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
