I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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