she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
