so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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