Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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