if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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