where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
