Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
