the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
