I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
