my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
