Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
