Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
