it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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