I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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