come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
