Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
