dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
