When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
