no, he came in my armpit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
