Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
