and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
