omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
